need an ark?

i Noah guy.

9/11 jokes are just plane wrong...

Jew jokes aren't funny either, AnneFrankly, I'm sick of em'.

:0

I've been so caught up in Pinterest latley, I almost forgot about my blog!
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go see if anyone has repinned my latest

tell me about it

my new motto

hopefully...

for all those who hate pepsi almost as much as they love coke

:)

seriously...

HAHA FACEBOOK IS SO DUMB :D

do yourself a favor and don't drink water at least 4 hours before reading this

here you go!
don't forget part 2!

2012

"always deny the Apocalypse, because you'll usually be right, and when you're wrong, there will be nobody around to say 'I told you so.'"
-charlieissocoollike

a little Steven Wright to shake up your day

I'm a member of the Jehova's Witness Protection Program- I have to go door to door telling everyone I'm somebody else.

Guess the Cristmas song

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

FOR KAITI: a prolouge

This kid just calls me up and says she needs a poem, what about? cats.
I dunno man, I dunno.

FOR KAITI

I once had a cat,
who was trained in combat,
then he tripped in a vat,
and spent his days on my mat.

And when he and the rat,
would sit around and play skat,
I would affirmativly spat:
"get a life you dingbat!"

Then he called me a brat,
so I kicked him out of my flatt,
and to this day I don't know,
where on earth he is at.

here's your gift: do you like the wrapping?

From: Crystal to Lindsay
Sent: Dec. 6th 18:01
Text: Girl! E-mergancy! I need a rap for Coopers birthday tomorrow!

From: Lindsay to Crystal
Sent: Dec, 6th 18:10
Text:

Ey, Cooper, it's your birthday,
your amazing, yea that's what I say,
which is why I took the time to write this essay:
cus' my love for you is not a cliche,
and boy you don't have to waste no time with hairspray;
because you're not gay,
and you don't betray,
you know no foul play,
and I want to make sure there is no delay;
so I'm shoutin' "errybody better make way,
because this boy be flyin' like a blue jay."

Where was this quote when I wanted to go to Black Friday at the Mall and I was broke?

"It is better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring"
-Marylin Monroe

SENSORY DETAILS: A PROLOUGE

Another English assignment, I like to sum this one up as: "Basically the most epic story you could write about basically nothing."

SENSORY DETAILS: A STORY

A groovy, pixilated, tune begins fighting its way into my ears, a sound I’ve come to despise. At first, it’s muffled, but grows louder as my eyes begin to peel their way open. The blanket slips off my arms when I sit up, and a shiver runs through me. The rents don’t like the gas bill running up this early in the season. Blindly reaching towards the end of my bed, I grasp the cold surface of my cell phone. The sudden blaze of the screen actually shoots a stabbing pain through out my forehead.

Like every morning, body overpowers mind and I hit snooze; buying myself five more minutes of well needed sleep. This happens about three more times, until I hear the faint sound of someone coming down the stairs to wake me. Being even more temperamental in the mornings, and not wanting to deal with anyone, I bury my head in my pillows and fake sleep.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the silhouette of my mother standing in the door frame. “It’s seven o’clock,” she chimes, “and we need to be out the door by seven-fifteen.” I sit up quick, head pounding, then somehow I’m in the bathroom, switching on my deep blue flat iron, next, the car, munching on the breakfast my mom has wrapped in a napkin. As I jump out of my seat and slam the door behind me, a bell rings somewhere inside the school. Picking up the pace, I climb the stairs, then rush through the entrance. Barreling through the halls, the only sounds I hear are faint whispers the quick shuffling of other late students’ feet.

The dark blue lockers are a blur to my left as I whiz down the hall, trying to avoid eye contact with the monitor who is saving my wallet. Finally, I turn into A1 and scamper to my seat. I look up at the teacher taking roll, then to the clock on the wall. Seven-thirty-two; but I’m safe.

Sue The Spiders, Sink the Welsh

This guy just keeps getting better...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EjB7rB3sWc&feature=related

a new favorite

"Litany" by Billy Collins
http://rinabeana.com/poemoftheday/index.php/2007/11/13/litany-by-billy-collins/

I tried to get the text on my blog, but copy and paste wasn't working, and to be quite frank I am far too lazy to type the whole thing out.

to get the full effect you also may want to check out this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxgVavV3lH4

A brief prolouge for a brief poem

My teacher asked us to write a poem for english class.

brief enough?

Pure Magesty

Thier soul songs ring out like a bell
the people they cry: "what the h---?!"
Whats hidden beneath I will tell,
it's the Whales of the GSL.

"wait, you don't have a facebook?! D: -faint-"

fool, I don't need a facebook, I've got an underground blog that nobody even knows exists! who's deprived now?!

don't innerup - rue.

hey lady, come get your kid i did you a favor!

when i'm at the mall, sucurity just can't fight em' off

i- i- i work out.

"i didn't even like that song til' i saw the guy that sang it."

is that petty?

they like crickets to me

yea i rock skinnies.

"ive got the pieces!", "ive got the air!"

"I didn't want to tell you this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl."
"Am I a pretty girl?"
"Well... yes, you're... you're beautiful."

Alanis Morissette

Seriously misinformed or undercover genius?

Halloween Treat: my horror story prologue

So it's been a while since I've posted anything seriously literature related, (not like anyone would know that, but whatever takes the tears away right?) but I thought I would grace this blog with a little October sophistication. I have an awesome new English teacher who has us do a lot of cool writing, so there will probably be more where this came from.
Anyways, I had a hard time thinking of what to write about, I knew I couldn't do anything too scary because I would keep my self up at night. This idea came really randomly: basically we have a board game version of 'would you rather', and on the box, one of the sample questions is: "In the circus, would you rather be the person who the knife thrower throws at or the person who sticks their head in the lion's mouth?" So naturally I thought "what about a horror story about a haunted board game?!" this idea being a little too Jumanji, I went to "spooky knife thrower story" by default.
When I was writing my first draft of this tale, it started off a little different. In the original version, the assistant wore a fake arm during a performance and when the knife thrower threw, he moved it in the path of the blade so that the knife thrower would look bad. Then in the confusion of the crowd up-roaring, the knife thrower took a horse and went riding off into the night. The mist being thick, the knife thrower was going to fall off a cliff and die only to go back and haunt his assistant. This is about as far as I got because I figured that the knife thrower was way too nice to haunt anyone.
Anyways, after days of grammar and spelling error corrections, I finally got the final copy done. (not on time, unfortunately, I have to turn it in with a rain check :P)

ENJOY!

THE KNIFE THROWER'S ASSISTANT

Grief, anger, betrayal. Death was the only escape, he was sure of it. Mind clouded with rage, the unnecessary melodrama of his plan for revenge was invisible to him. Standing in front of the large audience, he braced himself for the blow. The knife came fast; he had only a moment to move and no time for re-thinking.

Four feet away, then three, as it drew near the small man aimed his heart right in its path. First Pain, then numbness filled his chest while the blade burrowed its way in. Sliding his hand up his now sickly wet and warm torso, he could feel his time running short. But as he peered up into the knife thrower’s eyes, the look of shock and panic reflected made death all worth it. A slow vengeful smile slithered upon the dying man’s lips, then his heart ceased.

Time slowed. Disbelief and bewilderment flooded the thoughts of the knife thrower as he saw his assistant sink to the ground. He couldn’t be sure, but as the last breathes escaped the weakened man, it looked as if an expression of satisfaction was worn upon his face. The Circus janitor; for which he got his name, “Rags”, had been the knife thrower’s apprentice since he was young. Showing potential in the art, but always ill-tempered and impatient, the knife thrower never exercised upon his wishes to perform. Thinking that his master was holding him back, Rags grew spiteful and swore that in life or death, he would get his revenge.

Bringing himself back to the present, the knife thrower looked around; stillness unlike any other. It was as if the entire tent was possessed with a deadly silence. Then, all hell broke loose. Screams rang throughout the tent as people rushed to the doors. As the knife thrower hurried towards the performer’s exit, he turned to look at his old assistant. The lifeless body crumpled on the floor sent a shiver down his spine. Somehow, he had an eerie feeling that this would not be the last time they met.

That night was unnaturally cold as the knife thrower sat in his tent, trying to forget the previous events. Finally, eluded by sleep, he took to walking around the Circus grounds. Ending his stroll in the show tent, the knife thrower took a seat on the front row of the audience section. The full moon illuminated the tent in a warm glow that cast unearthly shadows on the walls. Rags’ body was gone now, taken by the grounds keeper to be sent away to his family in the country.

A ghost of a blood stain lingered on the ground where the incident occurred. Above was the board that the knife thrower’s assistant would stand in front of during performances. Littered with scars and punctures, the ancient wood gave off an unsettling aura.

Caught up in his own thoughts, the knife thrower hardly noticed the faint tapping echoing throughout the tent. Jolting out of his trance, he looked around, attempting to locate the source of the noise. Fixing his eyes upon the tall panel in the center of the room, he found that one of the daggers used for performances still tarried on its surface. A second look and he discovered that the knife was moving as if someone were standing behind the board and painstakingly hammering the tip of the blade. The weapon continued inching its way out like this until it hit the floor with a clang.

Just as the knife thrower stood to leave, thinking himself mad and in need of rest, the dagger started to move again. This time it began dragging itself across the dirt floor in his direction. Suddenly, as if struck by lightning the knife thrower’s body became paralyzed. Panicking, he tried desperately to move his limbs, but to no avail.

The knife was getting closer now, scraping the ground with a terrible, demonic scratching sound. Finally, it stopped nearly a foot away from the stunned man, and levitated itself about four feet it the air. Turning to face the knife thrower, the dagger bounced over to him, stopping when the tip of its blade was touching the top right side of his chest. Then the pain began.

The knife commenced to cutting into the knife thrower’s thorax, the point of the steel making its way along as if it were writing symbols on a page. Carving about an inch into his flesh, the blade came to a halt on the left side of the man’s upper torso. Abruptly, the dagger wrenched forward burying itself into the knife thrower’s heart.

Finally, again able to move, the knife thrower stumbled his way across the tent stopping with fatigue in front of a large mirror. Looking up, he gasped with even greater disbelief. His shirt torn away, written in bloody scars across his chest was the word ‘Rags’. Collapsing on the ground, he closed his eyes, ready to accept defeat.

A stinging pain erupted over his chest as he felt the knife being carefully pulled out. Looking up he saw the silhouette of a small round man, then blackness.

welcome to my blog, eh

could I get you any root beer or back bacon?

courtesy of Bob and Doug McKenzie edited

Bonzo Goes to Bitburg

is it just me or have my posts gradually gotten a whole lot less intelligent?

*for all the uncultured swine out there, Bonzo Goes to Bitburg is a Ramones song, where the first line of the chorus is "my brain is hanging upside down". It's pretty much a classic

SHOUT OUT TO CARLY!

if your a good friend, you'll comment on this.

Donut Lady

"Okay.....I want a donut... and I want frosting all over the top, and I want sprinkles, but not all over it; I just want them scrunched over to the edge. You got anything like that?"

"We sure do, freshly baked, we saw you pulling in it's called our spring smich for LUNATICS LIKE YOU!!"

Mormon humor

How many mormons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3:
one to bring the supplies
two: one to offer the invocation, and the other to offer the benediction

Hey, do you want to hear a funny joke?

Women's rights.

*I'm a girl, I can do that

"Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?"

"I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!"
" Did you shoot any?"
" Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?"

Mermaid humor

Why does Ariel wear sea shells?
-Because B shells were too small, and D shells were too big.

Fruit humor

What did one melon say to the other when the first proposed?
-We're too young, we cantelope.

Why should'nt you tell a joke while ice skating?

because the ice might crack up.

How many Relief Society Sisters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10:
one to bring the ladder,
one to bring the lightbulb,
and 8 to bring the refreshments.

"Uh-oh."

"Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall."
"Yep."
"Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
"Most likely."
"Bring it on."

S.C.H.O.O.L.

seven crappy hours of our lives

Happy August 1st!!

WOO, YEAH, AUGUST 1st, YEAHAHA!! That means there's only like 22 days until school starts!!!

...crap.

"Stay home and eat all the freaking chips, Kip"

"Grandma just called and said your supposed to go home... she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining every body's lives and eating all our steak!"

Men's tank tops

Home Depot called, they want their tools back.

watch Jamie at Home!!!

hello, my name is Lindsay and I approve this message.

FIRST CLASS IS FOR CHUMPS...

fly coach and pocket the difference

efy

sucks to suck

Summer Seminary

It's just like Sacrament Meeting, but without the Sacrament

.....or the coloring books!!

COMING SOON!

Adventures in Theme Parking
and

Whale Watching in the Great Salt Lake

Get psyched

Runnin' on Riddlin'

If you're running a race, and overtake the person in second place, what place are you in?

Animal humor

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

elephino

Riddlin': did you forget to take yours?

Which is heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks?

Reflection

Whilst taking the CRT's I realized that A, B, C, and D just aren't enough to choose from, I think they need to seriously consider installing an option E:

E. Hell if i know

First official day of summer!

I'm going to watch "Recess: Schools Out"

heck ya

Makeup Seminary

truly a spiritual prison.

Hi

I hate it when my wife makes soup for dinner...

this is for the W.A....

women drivers,
no survivors.

bet you didd'nt know...

• Let's eat, grandpa
• Let's eat grandpa

punctuation saves lives

dictionary definition

reatarde (re-uh-tuh-ar-duh) n.

1. A see-through full body suit

Movie Quotes

How many can you guess?


"I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you are ever gonna get!"
"Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow!"
"Soap...poisoning"
"he enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut."
"You wanna buy a sun dial?"
"Well why don't you make like a tree. and get outta here!"
"Some people can just chitter-chatter till the cows come home. What does that mean Bob. till the cows come home? Where the cows been?"
"Oh yes, I'm much less afraid of Steve"
"Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me!"
" It seems that you've got a pink-hink in your think."
" Hannah, oh Hannah."
"Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night for some toast."
"Just ask the school nurse, she's got like six sticks in her drawer."
"No woman wants to marry a doctor that can't even tell if a man is dead or not!"
"I think this one really matches your season"
"He wumbo, she wumbo, its first grade."
"This is over! This is not over!"
"Would you stop that! I know you're not a pigeon!"
"You see this contact lens, this contact lens represent you, and my eye represent my eye. I got my eye on you!"
"THE FAM!!"
"I'll hit you so hard It'll make your ancestors dizzy!"
"Yo Stacy! Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me baby!"
"Alright, who's got food? you're not going to get in trouble, I'm hungry!"
"Alright, it's you're baby..."
"They called me a valued customer, then they send me hate mail!"

Magical Elf Song

"Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree
he lived upstairs from a flatulent dwarf who was constantly having to pee
one day the elf could take no more
so he marched straight down to the rude dwarf's door
and what do you know
they suddenly both
were married!"

-Elliot, Open Season

feelin' so fly like a g6...

but naturally!
I aint' got no alcohol with me,
I got my spiritual high
it's called the scriptures,
oh my!
Nephi was a prophet,
Lehi was his dad,
Samuel, a Lamenite,
and Akish was so bad!

16 in Depends

brush your teeth kids

After School Seminary

If you skip seminary now, it will be a pain in the A.S.S. later.

Bad assphault humor

So, Alphabetica and Times in New Roman walk into a bar and ask for a drink, but the bar tender says "sorry we don't serve your type here"

Merry new year

tomorrows new years eve! time to waste paper writing down resolutions you'll never fulfull anyways! Mine: drink my 64 oz. of water every day.

as if.

Best. Comercial. Ever.

These are the lyrics to my favorite commercial of all time. I cant find the actual video :'(

The holidays are here again,
So I’m inviting all my friends.

The people who are close to me,
They’re my extended family.

You’ve got my mom, my sis, my brother,
My surprisingly cool stepmother.

And the two kids that she had
Before she ever met my dad.

Next you got my aunts and cousins,
They showed up with several dozen
Friends of theirs, it’s fine with me
I’ve got enough for all.

Here in the hall you’ve got my office mates,
My best friend and his online date.

They’ve all come here to celebrate.

This is my family

My judo coach, my allergist
My Myspace friends and twitter list.

The first girl that I ever kissed
you’re beautiful, I love you.

Cause there’s one truth I have found
And it’s never let me down
When you stock up on joy, there’s enough to go ’round.

‘Singin joy! Enough to go ’round!
Enough to go round and around and around and around...

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

Haloween poem prolouge

I wrote this poem for a friend, promising her I would put it in a book that I would illustrate for her.
I have not even shown this to her, let alone put it in a book or drawn pictures for it. I know it isn't perfect, so I will be taking it to my English teacher to help with some of the editing. Most of the editing I need to do is just grammar, but in some cases, as I will point out, the problems are with rhythm, and such. So to clear up some things, here are some of the things I need to work on:

• In stanza 3 where it says: "(too lame, the same)" I didn't know which one to use, so far the majority of the vote goes to "the same" but we'll see.
• In stanza 8 I switched from rhyming "Back" and "shack" to rhyming "creak" and "freak" which kind of offsets the whole pattern of the poem, where I kept all the words that were rhyming consistent throughout each stanza.
• Lastly, in stanza 10, the last few lines of the poem seem to be going at a different rhythem the the rest of the stanza, but maybe it's just me

Anyways, enjoy the poem, and If you have any feedback let me know. thanks!
ps sorry if there are some "n"s missing, the "n" key on my keypad is messed up so sometimes they don't show up. If you notice that that happened, then please let me know so i can fix it, thanks!

Halloween

It's all Hallow's eve and school just got out,
all the children are running and playing about,
cause this weekend is special, there is no doubt.

Once a year, every year, a day comes around,
that is chilling and thrilling and very profound.
All the goblins are cackling and what is that sound?
It's the sound of small children, on the sidewalk they bound.

Trick or treat! Trick or treat! all the young ones proclaim,
as they run through the streets, it's their favorite game!
Halloween's at its highest in all of its fame,
as everyone knows, its never (too lame, the same)

All the scarecrows are scaring as the crows take flight,
and the ghosts, they will join them, to fly through the night.
They will spook all the children, who will jump to great hights,
while the orange lights glisten, so very bright.

As the night goes on, here the chime of the clock.
It's already 8:30, the blocks nearly flocked!
With princesses, pirates, and zombies galore,
cleaning up after this, it will be quite a chore.

The ground is so littered with candy and treats,
but just look at the moon! It's really quite neat.
All the children are running, their small little feet,
and their candy bags shake as they prance down the street.

The rush of the wind makes the jack o lanterns flicker,
but despite of the cold, never fall will their snickers.
Quiet, and listen to the ghosts start to bicker,
As the fog settles in, getting quite a bit thicker.

At the end of the street, very near to the back,
there is something quite spooky, an abandoned old shack.
Do you hear that almost inaudible creak? (Crack)
It's the crazy man, the psycho, the freak!

Look up in the sky, it's a scary black bat,
as it swoops down to suddenly startle a rat.
And on a front porch, a sleeping gray cat,
it's even in costume, a cute little hat!

Look in the bush, through the leaves see an eye,
is it a monster? a werewolf? oh my!
Suddenly a rustle, you look to the sky,
it's a witch, green and smiling, and she says with a cry:
"See you next year my kitties, I am off, goodbye!"